From the JOKE-TIONARY of POKER By Terrence “VP Pappy” Murphy
1. When you have a decision to make, you ask yourself, “What would Doyle Brunson
2. You can’t be at your daughter’s wedding because it comes at the same time as The
World Series of Poker.
3. The song they played at your wedding as you walked down the aisle was Kenny
Roger’s, The Gambler.
4. You named your first son Bret Maverick.
5. There’s an autographed picture of a poker pro anywhere in your house.
6. The primary source of your poker bankroll is the pawnshop.
7. You have a tattoo that says, “Born to Play Poker!”
8. You would rather play poker than make love to your wife, girlfriend, or anything else.
9. You write off your three poker tables, fifteen cases of poker chips and 47 decks of
cards as business expenses.
10. You’ve ever come close to losing your wife, kids, or dog in a poker game.
11. You have a dog named Chip.
12. You’ve converted your basement into a kick-ass poker room.
13. After removing 15 cases of chips, 42 decks of cards, 46 poker books, 18 poker CD’s,
poker shirts, hats, and jackets, 4 pairs of lucky poker shoes, and a collapsible poker
table from your car, you find that you get 9 more miles per gallon.
14. You think that Doyle Brunson’s Super System is more relevant than the Bible.
15. You’ve started a petition to change the National Anthem to Luck Be a Lady Tonight.
16. You can amuse yourself for hours rolling poker chips around your fingers.
17. You mow your lawn and find an old poker table.
18. You tell people that winning the World Series of Poker is possible.
19. You beg everyone you know to call you “Slim” even though you weigh over 260
20. You can figure the mathematical odds of winning a hand, vectoring in the variances,
but you can’t balance your check book.
21. If you have ever worn a PARTY POKER cap to a wedding.
22. If you’ve ever tried to write “Texas Hold’em” in the snow.
23. You think about poker 90% of the time and sex 10%.
24. Foreplay means going all-in with four of a kind.
25. It bothers you when someone talks about your game behind your back.
26. The only use you can find for a computer is for playing poker online.
27. You think Rounders’ was a better movie than Gone With The Wind.
28. You cry after losing a tournament, but not when your girlfriend dumps you.
29. You’re 47 and have never had a meaningful relationship, except with a casino poker
30. You can keep a straight face and not laugh when your girlfriend asks, “What’s more
important to you, me or poker?”
31. You believe that everybody lies.
32. You think Doyle Brunson should be president and Phil Hellmuth should be his vice-
33. You can say all-in! and not think about sex.
34. You can remember 15 different passwords to 15 different poker sites, but you can’t
remember your girlfriend’s birthday.
35. You’re at a check out counter in a super market when you hear the clerk say, “Two
lemons” and you go all-in with two grapefruits.
36. You only eat fast food because paying for real food cuts into your bankroll.
37. When your girlfriend asks how you can sit in the kitchen in your shorts and play
poker online all day long, you think about it, and then move your computer into the
38. You blame your parents for not teaching you how to play poker earlier.
39. You are trying to solve some personal problems using game theory, odds, and
40. You’ve got Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in all ten fingers from playing so much poker
41. You really enjoy going to the bathroom, because you get to go all-in with a good
42. Anytime something goes wrong in your life, you refer to it as a bad beat.
43. You begin to classify people in your life as either weak, tight, loose, passive, or
44. You owe money to most of the people you know, including the dealers where you
45. You’re down $45,000 for the year, but still think slot players are stupid.
46. If you have ever spray painted “I LOVE POKER” on an overpass.
47. You own 27 pairs of sunglasses and none of them have ever been outside in the sun.
48. You despise people who check-raise you.
49. You have ended close friendships, because of irreconcilable differences over which
two starting cards are better to raise with in early position.
50. You buy all your clothes at the casino gift shop.
51. You ask the dealers to loan you money.
52. Little old ladies ask what nights you play.
53. Nobody cares if you look at their hole cards.
54. You envy Keno players because they only face a 25% house edge.
55. You help your four-year-old learn math by teaching her how to figure pot odds.
56. When your counselor says he thinks “the odds are good” that you will beat your poker addiction problem. You see it as a reason to immediately enter the World Series of
57. You lose your wife in a poker game, your mistress going double-or-nothing, and now
they refuse to let you bet your hooker.